I've seen a lot of death. I've seen a lot of death quite recently and up close and personal. Thankfully it's not been truly traumatic deaths, but still they've hit close to home. Personally, I don't fear my own death. Death isn't to be feared, it's the dying I hope goes smoothly and quickly. One thing that isn't seemingly all that well known is that dying can take weeks. You can die by degrees with your periphery getting cold and turning blue days before you actually die. I knew one guy didn't have much longer after 5 days of slowly getting colder because I brushed his face with my hand and his cheek was hot but his nose was cold. I just hoped I'm as doped up as he was when the time comes. Even better, I hope they bring in euthanasia in my lifetime. In my opinion, after you're dead, you're dead so I'm not much worried about the after, it's the before.

I remember longing daily for death for much the same reason Czech. For months. I think the best definition of depression I heard in undergrad was that "depression is the knowledge that, the past was pain, the present is pain, and the future holds nothing but pain" that neatly summed it up for me. I'm glad that 'knowledge' was mistaken and I did not act on it.

I don't think about death much these days. I hope to die well. I lost 2 grandparents last few years. One died well. The other...did not. I hope to follow the better example.

In the meantime I hope to live well. I don't believe there is nothing beyond, I don't have that kind of faith. The Christian conception of God and the beyond is the best I've run into (though zen bhuddism and stoicism have much to commend themselves in my view). I do not have my childhood faith anymore, I broke that irrevocably, but I have found my way back to a slight faith. Perhaps that is what faith ought to be. I hope it is enough. In the meantime I have duties to discharge and I wish to discharge them well.

If I were to die today, I don't know if I'd be ready.
But dying today doesn't help me because tomorrow, I have things to do.
But any case, I will have no choice.
This is my philosophy on the subject. But I still have my whole life to change my mind.

Having lived with depression for a good 30ish years with decades at a time spending more of that time wishing I was dead rather than being afraid of it, no, I dont fear it.

I fear not living up to my purpose in this life. My reason for being here. But death is a release. I believe in an afterlife but even if there wasnt so what? You would be incapable of caring if one ceased to exist. Its really one of those rare occasions where you fear something that much but will, without a doubt, not care once it happens.

Ive described severe depression as waking up every morning and running a marathon. You arent prepared for it, you are tired and bruised and utterly unable to finish it but you do it anyways. As you pull off your clothes and get into bed for the night you realize you get to wake up tomorrow and run the same race over again. Tomorrow,  the next day and forever.

Depression is an exhaustion on a level that Ive never felt physically. I got to the point a couple times where I simply disassociated. It was like there was nothing I could do, or think or be to be anything but miserable and my brain said "Im done, see ya in a few hours." Crazy experience and not fun.

But the biggest thing, as PS mentioned, is the undeniable fact that you will for sure be miserable the rest of your life. It will never, ever get better. Its all a lie and theres no hope for you. Ever.

That right there is depression talking. None of its true. But it "feels" true. Truer than anything else during your episode.

Your brain is really adept at making you think something is reality. After all everything you experience as current reality is just a bunch of neurons and electrical impulses zapping around in your fatty meat computer between your ears. To make you believe theres no hope and be utterly sure of it? Thats childs play for the human mind.


Its a real thing to go through. Sadly I used to fantasize about dying. Not in an emo way. It was more like "really, what is the point of this? I exist only to feel the emotions of pain and despair."  Seriously, death to me it was like every Christmas and birthday wrapped into one. The thought of it was one of the few things that brought me peace.

One of my favorite quotes on this subject comes from the Imperial Rescript to Soldiers and Sailors which is a military code from the late 1800s in Japan.

"duty is heavier than a mountain; death is lighter than a feather"

That being said there is hope. Trust me if there was hope for me there was hope for anyone.

    Though the years leading up to it were rough, my wife Marie went well.  It was 3:20 in the morning and we all knew it was coming.  She was in a hospice room surrounded by family and friends.  I was holding her left hand and her younger brother Charlie was holding her right.  We had just upped the morphine drip to speed the process per her wishes.  The breaths came slower and slower then finally stopped completely.  Not a terrible way to go.  I'm a miserable old SOB and will probably die alone like my mom did.

As a Christian as well, these days I think the main way a person accepts Jesus is by doing works similar to His. Like helping people without reward, snuffing out pride (which for the most part is a very counterproductive emotion anyways) and things of that nature.

Wouldnt it be interesting if God cared more about our hearts than what we said? To me that seems like the most reasonable conclusion.

As for ghosts and demons, been there done that. Dont give the slightest (insert censored swear word here) if anyone believes me. Ive seen it and thats all that matters and is quite good enough for me thanks!! Never again would be too soon as far as Im concerned.

buried another grandparent last month. Physically...well I don't want to check out like he did but there are far worse ways too. The "his tongue stopped responding to moistening his lips" for some reason freaks me out. Just slowly....died out like a candle burning out. He had held on so long for Grandma, and in that he died well, discharging his duty to the end. He had been ready to go a few years back but he held on for her. He hadn't been all there for years but there is a finality.