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Slings in Fiction - Please Critique or Comment! (Read 1117 times)
Blue Raja
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Slings in Fiction - Please Critique or Comment!
Sep 8th, 2018 at 12:55pm
 
Here is a draft chapter from "Gentleman Zombie Hunter."  I am looking for comments and/or critiques.  As indicated, two of the characters are accomplished slingers:

Sir Jonah, breathing heavily from the exertion, his brow beaded with sweat despite the cool air, managed an awkward pirouette to bring his last dart to bear on the hulking horror that was closing in on Singh.  With this brief respite, Singh managed to draw his kirpan and dispatched three more night creatures with efficient strokes.  The alley was littered with their remains, the cobble stones sticky with foul smelling liquids oozing from dismembered parts.

“I fear that I am out of darts, old friend,” Sir Jonah wheezed.  “Can barely manage my stick, let alone the sword.”

“Take a rest, Sir Jonah.” Singh crouched in front of him, his kirpan held forward to attain the widest arc of destruction.

Sir Jonah stood back, practicing the breathing technique that Aasa taught him, gathering his strength and vowing to stay by Singh no matter what might transpire.  A nerve-grating howl pierced the stillness.  Sir Jonah and Singh both ignored it and continued their deliberate breathing.

Sir Jonah raised his right hand to his piezo-electric earpiece.  He discerned a whooshing sound, followed by a sharp crack.  Out of nowhere, round projectiles flew unerringly into the denizens of darkness, nocking them clean off their shambling feet. 

“What manner of …” Sir Jonah gasped as he watched the night horrors felled in rapid succession.

“May I suggest that we accept the gift and not count the teeth?” Singh sprang towards the fallen creatures, his kirpan making short work of them.

Sir Jonah, now greatly recovered, ranged on Singh’s flank, using both stick and sword with renewed vigor.

The projectiles continued to smash into the horrors with deadly accuracy.  Another series of piercing howls and the few remaining creatures shambled in retreat.

Sir Jonah and Singh covered each other and waited cautiously until all appeared clear.  Sir Jonah held his hand lightly on is hearing piece, his head cocked slightly. 

“A girl or young woman, roughly 30 yards, near that shop.”  Sir Jonah whispered to Singh.

“To whom do we owe our eternal gratitude?” Singh called to the shadows cast by a willowy figure.

“Is it safe now, Uncle?”  Ajinder cautiously stepped forward. “I did everything that you taught me and stayed well back from the fray.  I let the sling’s momentum carry the missiles, it was more or less a math problem, much like billiards.”

“Ajinder!” Singh said sharply.  “I taught you the sling for an amusement from your studies and as a way of taking some fresh air.  Never in my wildest of dreams could I have imagined…” Singh trailed off, exasperated with his niece.  “Pray that Auntie does not discover the danger… if you should come to any harm, she would….”

“Save your prayers, Simranjit, Auntie knows all about the foolishness with which you encourage this child.”  Aasa stepped forward from the shadows.  That Sir Jonah’s hearing piece could not discern her demonstrated her remarkable breath control.

“Aasa,” Singh said incredulously.

“Do not ‘Aasa’ me Simramjit.  And be grateful that I discovered your foolishness.  You taught the child all wrong.  Are you so busy pretending to be English that you managed to forget even the most simplest of things?  I had to un-teach her all of your lessons. Fortunately, the child is bright and a quick study.”

Dressed identically in dark clothes with simple leather bags to carry their lead missiles and beautifully crafted slings of finely woven wool and tapered leather thongs, Aasa and Ajinder stood side by side, twin goddesses of destruction.




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« Last Edit: Sep 8th, 2018 at 9:21pm by Blue Raja »  
 
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NooneOfConsequence
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Re: Slings in Fiction - Please Critique or Comment!
Reply #1 - Sep 8th, 2018 at 8:59pm
 
A few comments: not bad, but per Stephen King’s book on writing fiction...I would actually try to be slightly less descriptive. Let the reader fill more gaps with their own imagination.

Also, I would dramatize the sling a little less. Have a character who can use a sling well, but let that be more peripheral to the plot instead of making it such a focus. It’s a little over-the-top.

With a few tweaks it will be pretty good. My $.02
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“My final hour is at hand. We face an enemy more numerous and cunning than the world has yet seen. Remember your training, and do not fear the hordes of Judas. I, without sin, shall cast the first stone. That will be your sign to attack! But you shall not fight this unholy enemy with stones. No! RAZOR GLANDES!  Aim for the eyes! May the Lord have mercy, for we shall show none!“  -Jesus the Noodler
 
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Morphy
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Re: Slings in Fiction - Please Critique or Comment!
Reply #2 - Sep 8th, 2018 at 11:26pm
 
The best critique I can give is I would read more if there was more to read. Nicely done.
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Blue Raja
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Re: Slings in Fiction - Please Critique or Comment!
Reply #3 - Sep 9th, 2018 at 3:47pm
 
NOOC - thank you.  This is a draft chapter towards the end of the book.  There are no other descriptions of slinging.  The novel is set in an imagined Victorian era (I am trying to avoid all the baggage that comes with Steampunk), the women are socially subservient to men, but much smarter and eventually prevail over the Zombies by means other than physical violence.  The two protagonists are Sir Jonah - beleaguered appeals lawyer by day, gentleman zombie hunter by night and his "sidekick" (trying to avoid all that baggage as well) Professor Singh, professor of mathematics and astrology. 

Sir Jonah is a bit hard of hearing, unless he is wearing his piezo-electric hearing device and then he can hear slightly beyond human hearing range.  His weapon is a sword cane that uses a spring mechanism to shoot metal darts.  Prof. Singh wields his military kirpan.  His walking stick doubles as a blowgun.  Being a member of this forum, it is a lot of fun for me to describe the weapons.  I received a similar critique of my writing when I attended a creative writing class - way too much detail - kind of like this post!  This sort of creative writing (especially detailed descriptions) is therapeutic for me - it balances my occupational demands.

Morphy - Thank you, sir!  I am working on it.  My goal is a short book.
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