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Aging dependants (Read 1654 times)
Tomas
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Aging dependants
Sep 30th, 2014 at 8:19am
 
I forewarn you readers this is not a happy story.....
Seems life is catching up to me lol
I've got an aging mother who has become financially dependant over the last couple years. She had some heart troubles back then and had some surgery on the valves in her heart and never really recovered since then. In Addition she developed osteoarthritis in her hips so she is to as mobile as she used to be. She couldn't afford to stay in the house she was renting and lost her job with the heart issues. Since then she went on medical assistance and when that ran out she moved into a new apartment with me(I had to leave my previous apartment to fit all her stuff in with us). That lasted for about a year but we've never had a good relationship so I moved out in June. Currently she is on welfare and I supplement her with grocery money and pay everything other than her rent(which is all welfare will give her). This is actually a more expensive enterprise than my own living expenses since she lives in an older building and the heating/electrical bill is crippling cause the wiring sucks and the building just bleeds heat! Plus groceries etc.
Her prospects aren't good either. She's 59 and has zero savings( she spent most of the last 20 years we've lived in Canada on welfare so she never built up funds for a pension.
It gets better too... The premise of her having come to live with me was so she could go to school for a business administration course and get on her feet. So she graduated and pulled a trick on me then. She never went out and found a job with her training so she decided to enrol herself into another two year course totally unrelated to her business course. She never mention this to me until the week before her course was supposed to start. I got pretty upset that she decided to place the responsibility of providing for her while she took this course and I told her if she went forward with this new course I would leave. Sure enough, she went to school that following Monday and I moved out after 3 months notice.
So she went to school for two weeks and dropped out and now she's on welfare with not one but two student loans on the go.
Things will only get worse for the situation as she ages I expect too. Currently, she is loving her situation since she has the apartment I left all to herself and her hoard(legit a hoard like the tv shows- she tried to open a café and has an insane amount of kitchen gear and plates and glasses and other crap. Thousands of dollars worth of top quality gear just wasted)
And I feel like she living in lala land.
Not that it matters financially but she is Jehovah's Witness too just so you get an idea of the personality disputes we have.
Anyway, I've got to lighten my load or at least plan for the future.
My girlfriend made some comments today since the winter months(expensive time) are coming and it's obvious the situation bothers her. We are a good couple and I want to live my life with her and she does too but I'm afraid of my baggage getting in the way and of never being able to get ahead cause I've got this load.
Am I wrong for feeling resentful? I think not. What I need is to get out of this situation or make some changes but I'm stuck.

Sorry to rant
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Rat Man
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Re: Aging dependants
Reply #1 - Sep 30th, 2014 at 11:03am
 
Wow, that is a tough situation.  I don't see any easy solution for you.  What ever you do there will be pain involved.  I guess that since you didn't mention your father he's not a factor in this situation.  If you abandon your mother and anything bad happens to her you'll feel guilty for the rest of your life. Unfortunately she knows this.  If you devote all of your resources to help her then you might ruin your relationship with your girlfriend not to mention every other aspect of your life.  Your mom is only 59.  Granted, her health is poor but she could live for another thirty years.  You just can't know.  This is one situation where I wouldn't dare give advice.  All I can say is follow your heart and you have my sincere best wishes.
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Arcane Tinker
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Re: Aging dependants
Reply #2 - Sep 30th, 2014 at 5:14pm
 
I moved 1800 miles away from my overly needy mother. She had to sink or swim...it taught her that she doesn't REALLY need anyone to survive..not just yet. And your mom sounds like mine in many ways. Same age, both plagued (be it real or psychosomatic) with medical issues. In the end, you need to take care of your happiness.
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Ajax
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Re: Aging dependants
Reply #3 - Sep 30th, 2014 at 6:15pm
 
Personal responsibility is a tough school to graduate from, sounds like your mum needs to learn some.i know you love your mum, but now her actions may impact on your life that you may start to resent her, and nobody wins that game.
I think first and foremost you need to ask some hard questions of yourself, what do you want? how can i help her without getting trapped in her needs? how much can i give without hurting my own prospects?
How much poopy am i prepared to put up with? where is the rest of the family? set goals with her, and boundries for yourself.You may have to draw a line in the sand.
There are so many variables to this situation and so little information(understandably) that it is hard to see a way clear.You said she was a JW? they tend to be closed ranked. at least the dedicated ones do, you can use this if this is the case with your mum, you can go to her church and speak to the elders, see what they can do to help as they dont like puplic messes.
Having a garage sale to get rid of all her failed dreams can be a wake up call to her situation, but it depends on her head space and so many other things that the only advice i can give has to be general.
All i know is that when one is approaching a drowning person, you have to know that they will climb over you to save themselves, i think it is a sign of the kind of man your are that you want to help her despite your history you mentioned, just dont let her climb over you.
None of this will mean anything if she can't or won't change, you will only have to bail her out again.
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"Do what thou will"Shall be the whole of the law."love is the law, love under will"
 
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Masiakasaurus
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Re: Aging dependants
Reply #4 - Oct 1st, 2014 at 12:56am
 
I wish I could help. :/ What Tinker wrote sounds good to me, but I have no experience to judge it by. My aging parents are helped with my school loans and worry over my health rather than the reverse.
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Mark-Harrop
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Re: Aging dependants
Reply #5 - Oct 1st, 2014 at 10:47am
 
Tomas, you summed it up in your last sentence.

Fortunately, you are not really stuck, just hindered by something called a conscience. Thats is a good thing and hints at your character.

I'm guessing that you will find a way to give your Mom enough support but still be able to manage your life in the process. You can't support your Mother, yourself and your girlfriend (emotionally or monetarily) if you are not in a good place psychologically…

Sometimes "support" means making difficult, guilt inducing decisions…when they have to be made. If your Mother doesn't understand, that is a failing on her part, not yours.

Like Rat Man said, she could live another 30 years…and this is not a problem that will get better with time.

Lean on her Church if you have to, thats what they are there for, right? To help their congregation when they need it?

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bigkahuna
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Re: Aging dependants
Reply #6 - Oct 10th, 2014 at 11:32pm
 
First, auction off/sell anything she doesn't actually use. Put that money in a savings account that she doesn't have physical access to. Try to hold on to these funds as the beginnings of a nest egg for her. Once she is rid of all the stuff you may be able to downsize her to a smaller cheaper place. Hope this helps. I wish you goodluck.
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Ajax
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Re: Aging dependants
Reply #7 - Oct 12th, 2014 at 5:59pm
 
Good Luck, i am in a similar position,, sorry if my previous post came accross as a little cold, but i know what you are going through and the advice i gave was the advice i gave myself, i can see the light/tunnel now.
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"Do what thou will"Shall be the whole of the law."love is the law, love under will"
 
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Tomas
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Re: Aging dependants
Reply #8 - Oct 16th, 2014 at 9:03am
 
Sorry for my late response.
Thanks for your understanding and kindness. I have approached mom since I first posted this to little effect so I'm going to try your suggestion and get her congregation involved. She won't listen to me but an outside influence may be helpful and unbiased.
You guys all put forward some thought provoking points and I wish I could reply to each individual but that would just be too much detail lol
In the end what I want to accomplish is a clean break without killing my conscience. Should be do-able methinks.
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